I’ve got a lot to post about but we will have to catch up over a few posts!

The short movie Dawn that I was the assistant director on has been released. So I will link that up and post about it soon.

Also I want to do a roundup as there are some things to roundup!

But first and perhaps it doesn’t seem as important but it is to me is a post about my nails!

My long, hard to type, natural nails!

You see, and I’m going to get all vulnerable about it, I was a nail biter into my twenties.

I used to bite my nails ‘to the pain’. I would chomp them so short that if I made a fist it would hurt. Then I would make a fist to feel that pain. Totally masochistic. I can look back now and see that it all stemmed from unresolved trauma and a hard time liking myself. At the time they were just embarrassing. When I had jobs that I had to give change back I would hide my hands.

There are a couple of things that make it so hard to stop biting. One is actually realizing why one is compelled to hurt themselves in such a way. But the other is that your hands are always there. Not like smoking, where you need to make a conscious effort to go and buy a pack of smokes, then actually light one up, there are a lot of steps and conscious choices you are making before you light up. But your nails are just there, and it is so easy not even realize you have them in your mouth. By that time you figure, whelp the damage is done and so you inflict more.

I tried all the things, well except hypnosis, to stop biting. I tried constantly and for years.

Here are things that did the trick. First of all it was not just one thing. It was a combo of a few.

Learning to do my own manicures was probably the biggest and most important. If there wasn’t anything to bite, it was easier not to bite.

I went and spent the cash and got a bunch of manicures from professionals and I watched what they did so I could copy at home.

If you are curious, yes I tired the fake nails, and I would bite right through them. Plus that was not sustainable.

At the same time as giving myself a manicure, especially when I really wanted to go to bite town, I carried a file and some little clippers with me at all times, pain in the butt, but essential for if there was a little something I thought I would casually take care of with my teeth. No! Use the tools!

At the same time as doing this, I also used the terrible tasting stuff. I used to just get used to the bitterness and bite around it, but it was an added layer of defense for those subconscious moments that I usually didn’t notice I had my fingers in my mouth until to late! The taste was a reminder to stop and use the tools!

I also at the same time used the elastic pain method. So if my fingers did end up near my face, I gave myself a little pain jolt, like no, that will hurt don’t do that.

Then of course there was the will and want to change. That is a big one. For many years I accepted it as part of my identity. I realized I didn’t need too and that I was in control too change that.

And also one of the most important parts is to get back up on the horse if you fall off. For many years I would just attack one nail. It was like a beacon to show me when I was stressed or overwhelmed. But even if in a moment of ‘fuck it I can’t take it’ and you go to town and destroy all the hard work you have been working months on and bite the fuck out of everything, you don’t damn yourself forever. You just simply go, whelp I did that, and start again. Yes you will probably have a good bunch of self hate negative talk that proceeds that, but just recognize it and move on. Don’t dwell. See the endgame and know that it is possible!

That is what I did and now I really can hardly believe how long and beautiful my nails are! I have usually kept them short and neat as to not give me an opportunity, especially if one breaks to just eat them up. Cuz yes I still sometimes have the desire to do so.

I also know it is a lifelong thing that will never just go away and so I have to keep my wits about me with it. I will always be in recovery.

My long nails feel odd and I am not used to them, but I am enjoying them for now.

Anyhooo that is my story. If you know someone who is a biter and trying to stop, feel free to share, also if they want to get in contact with me for support I am happy to help!

All the best to you and your nails!

Lady Beastie