The main purpose of last week’s column was to jinx Mayor Ghouliani, in the hopes of him not being reelected as predicted by many, and lo and behold, our prayers were answered! The Ghoulish Leprechaun is no longer in charge of the Nelsonia Police State, and we no longer need to hear him say inane things in an official taxpayer-paid capacity such as: “If Janice hadn’t run, I would still be the mayor”. The daft man got nine-hundred votes, with over twenty-four hundred cast against him, and he thinks delusionally as he always does that he was this close to being back on the White Building throne.
The Golden Heron emphasized over a year ago how it seemed like clueless Major Ghoulie was mishandling their civic pandemic response as if he was hellbent on losing votes from those who thought his safety reflexes in order to protect his citizenry as mandated were asleep at the wheel, and those who felt that his belated embrace of the healthcare mandates were ham-fisted and over-the-top violations of their personal rights. With his older constituents moving on to greener pastures in the breathable sky, and younger voters rejecting the regressive status quo politics of prehistoric fossil-fuel WASPs like Count Ghouls and his fellow male supremacists, there appeared to be a diminishing pool of suckers for him to dupe in this recent election held under toxic air conditions amid a pandemic that the narcissistic CoN is currently ignoring like it’s 1999. Lucky for us, our new Mayor B&B was tired of being bullied by Old Man Ghoul, even though she has been closely aligned with him throughout most of their mutual run, so her victory presents reason for optimism; while generating doubt around how much change she’ll bring as a white property owner who only mutinied against her sunken treasonous captain when it was too late.
How much will ex-Mayor Ghoulie’s former scarlet woman be willing to recognize the inherent matriarchal Indigenous authority in our stolen land? Opportunistic Councillor Woody saw which way the winds were blowing on election night and ended up being in the new Mayor B&B’s celebratory photo at the obligatory booze establishment, despite the fact that he could never publicly criticize the misogynistic past mayor, or even publicly endorse his successor as Tommy Boy had the gumption to do — when he realized that his goose was cooked and acknowledged that in terms of his winning chances, “reality sucks”. Reelected Councillors Bump-On-A-Log, the Wood & Pager the Enabler form an appeasing trio of white male power boomer wannabes who might create a holistic council with Kate of Kate Hall and the Boxer if they let the three women on council have their say amongst a majority of men in blazers.
At least Tomcat got the chance to introduce the realistic notion to the Crypt of Commercialism’s economic mayoralty forum that all the local business bigwigs had allowed and ignored the obvious destruction of our highly lucrative cannabis industry, which is a major financial story in batty Brutish Colonia which none of the suit-and-tie businessmen want to talk about, while they get high on the narco-state dollars from their land-holding profiteering rackets. The tragic report that elitist Nelsonia has the second-most homeless people per capita is not going to go away anytime soon, no matter how much Councillors Woody Woodpecker and Bumpy Log like to pretend that the misanthropic Heritage City is just fine the way it is. Because no matter how drunk the new overlords get on their momentary success in Shitty Hall, they’re still going to have to deal with the implications of climate change in our airspace right now, not in some imaginary future when their emission reductions may make an ounce of difference. We live in a mind-boggling world wherein one year of Californication wildfires caused more damage to our lungs than all their environmental progress made in years. Remedial plans should be implemented in technocratic alcoholic drugged-up Nelsonia that scientifically address the harms of poisonous particulate matter in an effort to heal our populace in 2022/23, as opposed to fixating on the illusions of tomorrow. The house is on fire, in the middle of a drought, and we’re acting like we’re not inhaling hazardous vapours as the Nihilist Demonic Anti-Party log the old-growth watershed until the tap runs dry.
Speaking of Orange Crush, we’re witnessing the predetermined coronation of Premier Dweeby at the expense of the Nu-Dippers’ ecological wing, as the old-school insiders of the evil industrialists disqualify their only rebellious competition and lop off their green shadow-puppets once and for all. With both major corporate political cults drifting right-of-centre, it’s a matter of months before the Falconer rises up to claim the ring from Dweeby’s indulgent presumptuous mantle. Anyone who cares about Indigenous rights and healthy environs is going to wonder who they can turn to for societal leadership, especially with the Green Goblins scrambling to cover up their failed ideological takeover of the orange kool-aid drinkers from within. Should the young non-white woman be disqualified from running against the premier dweeb due to some draconian cull over electoral technicalities? What was stopping the privy snobs and their sycophants temporarily in charge of the Leg from kicking out the candidate who recruited more potential voters to the leadership contest than her overconfident manly rival? Whether she operated in good faith or not is unknown to outside observers like ourselves as she swelled the ranks of Horgsy’s Heroes, but it must be said that rejecting her enthusiasm could look even more bad to the common voter than McGollum’s Drumpf-like refusal to accept his election loss in Slurrey; which has damaged his reputation even more than the damage he did to his company-car before returning it in secret, all while he’s on trial for public mischief due to his apparent lies over his foot being run over.
Just like defeated Constable Ghoulie, ex-Mayor McGollum lost to a blonde WASPy woman who used to vote in lockstep with their dear leaders when they were councillors under their he-men’s reign of horror, until they calculated that they could replace their out-of-date masters of the universe at the top of the hierarchical pyramid. Old-hand Mayor B&B credits the winds of change among popular opinion for helping her win after four terms, as did the new Slurrey Mayor, but the latter won on a pro-paramilitary wave of Mountie supporters, while the former pledges better communication with her constituents — despite the longtime Kootenay resident being in the room when the banished Chief Finagling Officer slandered the mental health of well-respected citizens, and then did nothing communicative to follow up and apologize to the constructive social activists, even when the entire council and staff present in the meeting room were reprimanded by their human resources supervisor for not standing up against such nonsense comments spoken out of order, which were published in a close-captioned video on the taxpayers’ website. So people can be happy about the mutinying councillor taking hold of the helm from the decrepit broken-down mayor (who should’ve retired) if they want to, but don’t mind us if we’re a little skeptical of her and the other two reelected henchmen of the reeling Ghoulie Gang who don’t know how to say sorry despite proclaiming to be great communicators; while we remain cautiously hopeful that Pager the Apologizer and the three idealistic newcomers can get the best out of their colonial positions of white male power, for the sake of those who are far less fortunate than them and us.