First off, Erin OʼPower-Tool should drop the monk fringe and go with the Die Hard buzz if he truly wants to look like a he-man worthy of posing for a Menʼs Shape magazine. Second, how is he not Charlie Brown come to life? So the question is: whoʼs his Lucy; and whatʼs his football? Or, is it even remotely possible that Chuck might actually kick the field goal this time, propped up by his most unlikeliest of allies, Jagmeet (I Drive a Beamer) Singh? Indeed, Rolex Jagmeet said heʼd never work with Andrew (Deer in the Headlights) Scheer, but what are the odds that him and the Tool team up pro-wrestling style to take out King Trudy the Second from the top rope while their combined theme songs blare out from the nationʼs screens to the stunned and bedazzled masses?
How could these polar-opposite former foes come together to topple the Trust Fund Scion of Canadiana Incorporated? Easy, Jagmeet & Erin both support the working man now; as opposed to the bourgeois bohemianism and champagne socialism of KT2 who only knows how to reward anyone who mightʼve been qualified to be in his wedding party cabinet, while kicking out those who dare defy his omnipotent Ozymandius-like reign as the supreme truth-teller of all lies he tells. How can you call an election when a country you pretended to love with Timmy Hoʼs and hockey rinks is falling to oppression that very morning? How are JTʼs kids going to feel when they grow up to realize that their father and complicit mother decided to perp-walk them down the cottage lane while kids their age who were raised on this fake dream of donuts and pucks were being gunned down in the streets at the exact same moment across the world? Obviously, this kind of human-caused disaster has happened all over the world throughout historyʼs misogynistic churn, but how many free hours of airtime on our national broadcaster did tyrannical NATO and the inept Canadian military get to publicize and glorify their imperialistic presence in Kandahar during weekly prime-time Hockey Nights in Canada?
A devastating conflict that was once so important we heard about it between periods and beer commercials for twenty-plus years is now so unimportant that the Prince Minister can ignore it entirely while snaking our rookie Governor General into an election that nobody in their right mind wants during this kaiju & Jaws 4-D (Smell-o-Vision!) level of variant misery that our sick society is barely enduring. Did the Queen even want this election?
People living in this area are faced with ahistorical levels of incompetence at all three levels of this hellish municipal, provincial & federal inferno we call politics, during a monumental time when society needs its best and brightest leaders to compassionately rise to the forefront and replace these aging broken down spare-parts which are causing the whole machine to breakdown because they refuse to be replaced when their time is up. Even the forty-something male federal leadership candidates donʼt look or act their age, as they do their best impressions of boomer-wannabes so they can reassure the preternaturally dominant (in all senses of the word) generation that their precious house equity will soar forever unopposed, buoyed by the winds exhaled in frustration by all those younger than them who have found it incredibly damn hard to buy a house any-where remotely near them while they insist on visits during a once-in-a-lifetime calamity. Charlie Brown in charge might be a scary proposition, but would you rather have Lucy?
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