My brain is a jumble but also a void all at once.
I thought I would be more inspired to write and create while I was down here. That hasn’t really happened.
Perhaps I am out of practice with all the newness and the lack of a real routine.
When we first got here everything was a lot. The noises, the smells, the action.
I was trying to find myself in it as I took it in and tried to settle into the idea that this was my new reality for a while.
It was overwhelming, and I loved it all and was confused and unsure all at the same time!
It seems there is always this questioning of am I doing the ‘right’ thing. Then even though from the outside all my cold peers in Canada are looking at my photos with a beach warmth longing. I am in it thinking is this o.k.? Did we come to a good spot? Should we have traveled and seen more places? Would it have been nicer/cheaper/better if we were on the Caribbean side. Would the water have been bluer and the sand whiter, would that have made me happier? More inspired? Is winter actually fun? Do I like snow? Have I made a terrible mistake?
I blame the socials for this. We all are trying to outwardly show our best lives….look at me getting mine and being great. It can make us question ourselves and not just celebrate the success of others as I think it was perhaps also meant to do. No matter what I am up to I seem to have FOMO about what someone else is up to. Often times even if it something I have never thought of or wanted before.
Then there is all the bossiness of ableist privilege in order to be successful and happy. Up at 5:30, meditate, journal, eat all the healthy things, follow your dreams, work hard, play hard, work out hard, eat well, think the proper thoughts, likes, followers, do more, be more, but stay grateful and humble and grounded and face massage and don’t try too hard and and and and and and……
It is a lot of noise. So I want to disappear. Do my own thing. Not be bossed around by all the things. Not have any awareness of what others are up to and how great they are doing all the great things they are doing. The hunger of it all makes me want to retreat further away from everything.
Then a small nagging voice feels like it will be missing out on all the greatness that is also being shared.
Not sure I can win either way. The socials dilemma.
So now there is less than 2 months left of me being in Mexico.
My mind set about being here has been changing.
I am not so overwhelmed by it all.
Instead I am sinking into the sounds and the smells and the flavours.
I am being as present as I can be. Watching the waves in great detail. Feeling the sand and the heat and the breeze. Watching the palms sway.
Enjoying every avocado. Taking in the fresh tortillas.
I know that once it is time to leave the time will have gone too fast. And all the overwhelmedness will just become a blur of memory I wish I was back in.
Life has a way of doing that.
So I feel my feet on the earth. I feel the sun on my body. I take in each moment. I treasure the opportunity.
I know in my heart that this is not unique, it is how life needs to be lived.
Kindness and compassion flow easily from this state.
I will keep practicing.
I hope you do too.