For the first time in thirty-six years, wacky Canamerican Soccer qualified for the corrupt discriminatory World Cup of Futbol, and things didn’t go so well for the Krazy Kanucks, yet again. Staged by FIFI-fo-fum, one of the most vile evil organizations ever, in Qanon-tar where they killed at least thousands of migrant workers just to build their monolithic stadiums where gay people are not allowed to exist, Canamerica Soccer pretended that there were no issues at all with the morally and ethically compromised competition in which which they bombed out with zero points just like they did in 1986.

After choosing to host their decisive qualifier at ice-cold Edmontonia’s Colonizer Stadium in the dark heart of wintery Greater Albertamerica, just to be chilly hosts who care only about winning instead of proper sporting conditions that favour a well-played game, the Maple Laughs led by the in-over-his-head Herd Man dodged the One Love armband controversy in which European countries halfheartedly attempted to protest the exclusion of rainbow-friendly people from the 2022 Big Ball, then the complicit Canamericans showed up forty minutes late to their introductory press conference in front of the global media, because nothing makes a better impression than making cranky journalists on foreign assignment twiddle their thumbs in impatient anger.

Even before this easily avoidable public-relations debacle, you’d think that the executive gonads at Canamerican Soccer would have been able to turn their qualifying victory at “Iceteca” into public goodwill to promote the game in hockey-mad Canuckistan, but instead they squandered all their Q-quotient momentum leading up to Qatari by agreeing to host the Iran Sheiks at Brutish Colonia Place as a warmup for the big dance, with the controversial Middle Eastern pariahs fresh off their apparent shooting down of a jetplane carrying dozens of innocent Canadians among many others. Even kowtowing King Trudy the Second was dimwitted enough to recognize the PR disaster that would have been, so he joined the waves of criticism that forced the misguided games to be cancelled. Soon thereafter, the somewhat principled male players of Maple Leaf Incorporated realized that their inept overlords were full of gaseous hot air, so they staged a strike before the rescheduled games against another less anti-women nation in order to pressure the bigwigs who sign their cheques to pay our highly successful Olympic champion women’s team remotely close to what they are worth, among other legitimate grievances. It’s too bad that these semi-savvy sportsmen couldn’t display an iota of this belated sense of social activism when it came time to play the big-ticket games in front of the international public eye that really mattered to those cushy dilettantes who happen to care anything about the coddled world of professional patriarchal sports.

Moving on to the gilded sportswashed towers of the money-grubbing desert, the first match for the red-and-white-and-cowardly supposedly proved that they belonged on the big stage with the big boys, but their rumoured domination of the Belgian Waffles who also flamed out in the first round ended up with zero goals, lowlighted by Herd Man’s boneheaded decision to have a twenty-one year-old player take a high-stakes penalty kick in such a pressure-cooker situation. After his despondent team registered the most shots attempted with a penalty kick that resulted in no goals ever, the hotheaded Herd Man decided it would be a good idea to flatter his defeated shutout squad by showing them their failed stats against an equally disappointing Belgian powerhouse, followed by him declaring “Eff Crotia!” in their postgame huddle which he insanely quoted to the mass media that predictably ran with the story, thereby giving their next opponents who were the runners-up four years ago all the bulletin board material they needed to Eff Canamerica a few days later by a flattering losing score of four to one.

At least Canamerica scored for the first time on the world stage ever in that sorry defeat, off the head of their twenty-one year-old superstar who got some form of consolation and provided supporters of the Vancooky Whitecaps with a glimmer of good news after years of bad headlines involving their misogynistic coaches who engaged in criminal persecutions and harassment of their youth charges that were only suitably addressed when their die-hard fans walked out of multiple games at halftime in protest of their club’s systemic negligence. The pervasive issue of wrongheaded stupidity metastasized all the way down to the local level, wherein Nelsonia Youth Soccer hired a racist coach who was banned by the Football Association for his bigoted comments across the pond on the recommendation of the negligent Whitecaps brass, with no-one in a position of power even bothering to check out his condemnatory past with even a simple web search of his previous employment, which had rightfully let him go for making unforgivably repulsive remarks to his own Black players. Not only that, the man-morons on the mafia-like Nelsonia Youth Soccer board dallied for far too many years with a lawsuit-happy spendthrift technical dictator who had been kicked out of the Kamloopy athletic community for his egregiously awful behaviour, while they still employ his untrustworthy pirate first mate who has reportedly had illicit affairs with more than one soccer mom, such as the paid-off board member who voted on their behalf regularly despite receiving free kid clinics from them in a classic case of conflict-of-interest that went unpunished like most such disgraces in nepotistic Nelsonia.

Now the blowhards at daft Canamerica Soccer are preparing to host the next World Jock Cup along with the Disunited States and mayhem-friendly Mexico, with even Premier Fart understanding that the few meager games that Onterrible will be hosting are costing its taxpayers more and more millions by the day, all to placate their iron-clad contract signed with the blood of the migratory workers that gives all the authoritarian power to FIFart, which loves nothing more than to bilk the public purse out of more money than they could ever spend on social programs to feed and house the poor. Heat-Dome Horgsy was smart enough at first to reject the first round of bids to host a measly five games for a bar tab too close to a billion dollars, but once Greater Albertamerica was able to count how much money they’d be wasting on a stupid sports event for privileged rich wankers and said go eff yourselves, the orange-koolaid drinkers in the Nu-Demonic Party turned about face and agreed to pay the tab for an orgy of excess at Beastly Place in 2026. Stay tuned and watch aghast with dismay as the out-of-control costs and unconscionable budget balloon and skyrocket as Vancougarites start to belatedly realize how much of their social capital will be wasted on a capitalistic celebration of sycophancy and ball-busting in order to placate the greedy monsters in charge of the bouncing balls. 

#thegoldenheron #opinion #thinkaboutit